They say that people around you are a reflection of you. Whoever you end up being in a relationship with, and all of the friends that you consider to be close, show you a part of yourself that perhaps you aren’t proud of.

Today I learned about transference and how we project our experiences about how our parents treated us and subconsciously pin that on to others. Not only do people show you things about you that you hate, but they also show you where your problems originated from.

My PERCEPTION of my mother’s feelings towards me and the rest of the adults in my family was that they didn’t think I was good enough. Everyone thought about me last, and when I asked for something, I was rejected. This is the perception I now (unfairly) cast upon people in my life today. If there is a weird silence or an argument, I immediately go to this place. I feel they don’t think I’m worthy because I’m not good enough. So, I start to resent them, although they never even opened their mouths to confirm any of this. And it is an awkward place to be because you are constantly fighting reality and perception. It’s exhausting not knowing where the truth actually lies.

And in my attempts to find people that won’t make me feel this way, I end up finding people that reinforce these thoughts about myself. How much of it is real though? and how much of it is shit I’ve made up in my head? This is the haze I live in daily, and it makes it hard to connect to others. I don’t think I’ve ever been completely transparent to anyone and that’s because I’ve never fully been transparent to myself. Sounds insane right?

I haven’t gone to a therapy session, and I haven’t really worked on anything. I’m falling back into the dark hole I worked so hard to get out of. I know life is comprised of lots of ebbs and flows. I know I just have to hold on and eventually things will get better, but today is not that day. Today is the day I choose darkness.