It’s hard to “find yourself” when you were never given the opportunity to develop a self. Alan & Henry both made sure of that. So I’m not on a journey to find myself, I’m on a journey to heal. I want to give my inner child an opportunity to be what she was meant to be. 

No one ever showed me love, so I never learned how to love myself. I’ve allowed people to reopen those wounds over and over again because that’s all I know. My definition of love is twisted. But it’s the imprint I have and I’m working hard to undue it. But It’s alot more complex than just deciding to do better. My subconscious needs to catch up. What I need is people who will be willing to be there for me. It’s like taking care of a child only I’m a grown woman so it sounds ridiculous. But I’m emotionally stunted, and that means I am a child in a way. I hate it because I need all this constant reassurance that everything’s okay. Can you really blame me though? Nothings ever been okay… I just want to know so that I can rest.

I’m exhausted from being on high alert. I’m tired of getting hurt by people I love. I’m just scared…scared that there’s just something inherently wrong with me, that I’m unlovable and no matter how much I try, I’ll always end up here. My worst fear is that I won’t be able to and won’t want to handle the pain for much longer.