It feels good. It feels good to be in a healthy space with people in my life. I never really had a healthy view of relationships. The way I operated was due to major traumas as a child that essentially conditioned me to feel unworthy of mutual love and respect. I was always doing everything for everyone because doing that is what got me love as a child (or what I perceived as love). I still find it hard to accept people’s love but it’s something I’ve always wanted, so I’m starting to put forth more effort than before. I think for the first time in my life I’m learning to let go of things that don’t serve me. I’m not cutting off people, what I’m doing is cutting their burdens from my heart. I always carried everyone’s problems because I didn’t want my loved ones to go through difficult situations alone. But what that created was resentment and unhappiness in my life. It just perpetuated this horrible feeling of unworthiness and needing to be useful in order for people to love me. 

I’m in such a great place as far as my mental health is concerned. I have found true mutual friendships that feel right. My husband and I are better than ever and it just feels like I’m finally reaping the rewards I frankly deserve. I’ve spent a whole lifetime being everyone else’s doormat and no one ever cared to even attempt at picking me up. I know it’s not anyone’s job but a little reciprocity would’ve been great. Genuine connections with others don’t come often, so when they do, I make sure to cherish them. 

I don’t like forced socialization. I hate phone calls and texts because I never feel it’s genuine. Everyone always wants something and that’s fine…if that goes both ways…if it doesn’t, I’ve made it a habit to ignore those phone calls. I know things are different with people when I see their names come up and I am happy to answer instead of having to get through a mild panic attack just to function. It’s a different world when you make real connections. Suddenly my world has a lot more color in it than it used to. 

This blog has never seen a “happy” post. But it’s important to document all aspects of a life lived with mental health disorders. People think they know what depression looks like but depression is so much more than just being sad. It’s having to fight everyday to stay afloat. It’s promising yourself death isn’t the solution. It’s an internal struggle no one sees but you. It’s a life lived on choices from moment to moment hoping you don’t mess it up. I know this feeling of contentment won’t last forever, but I’m greatful to have it in this moment. I still struggle with depression and my job is taking a hit because of it, but I just feel like I’m capable of handling it all a bit better now a days. 

Looking forward for more days like these. It gives me something to focus on instead of all the darkness. It gives me hope.