I didn’t speak to Ana for a while. I didn’t intend to ever speak to her again, but she sent a note out to my teacher asking for me. So I went.

“Why haven’t you visited?” She asked. I told her the situation with Diana had gotten better, and that I had made friends so I didn’t have to hide out anymore. But my answer really should’ve been, “Because you made everything weird. Because I was uncomfortable. Because I didn’t want or ask for any of that.” But of course I didn’t have the courage to. So I dealt with her. I didn’t have any other option. I figured that if I pretended to be okay with her, she’d leave me alone. So I would pop in during lunch to say hi, and be on my way. It worked. She stopped asking me questions and she quit being weird.

Things changed. In every way. My mom was home, I had a permanent place to live, and I ended up making friends. Overall things were falling into place. I wasn’t as alone anymore. She knew that.

She was visibly upset one day when I went to say hi. I felt I was forced into having to ask if she was okay, so I did. I vaguely remember the problem, but I remember it was about her boyfriend. I didn’t know what to do or how to console her because  I was a kid, and her adult problems were highly inappropriate. I said something like, “everything’s gonna be alright.” She got up from her desk, and stood closer to me waiting for a hug. “No,” I said.  She looked a little confused and went to grab my shoulder. “It’s okay,” she said. I shook her hand off of me and started walking backwards towards the door. I didn’t know how to stick up for myself. I’d never done it. But I was older know, and I knew it was wrong. I also knew that eventually I’d dissociate and I needed to get out of there before that happened. She walked towards me and got to the door first and pushed it closed. I’d left it open when I had initially walked in. I ended up with my back against the door, with her towering over me.

I don’t know how to hurt someone’s feelings, and even though she clearly was wrong for all of that, I felt bad. But I found my voice that day. My voice was shaky and it was more of a whisper but I spoke up anyway. “This..what’s happening right now is not okay. I don’t want you to touch me ever again…and if you do, I’ll tell.” She moved away but not because she was really worried about what I said. She just wanted to watch me squirm. She had that smirk on her face and chuckled. It was amusing to her. “Are you really? You came here on your own.. I didn’t force you to come in..None of this is my fault..You are making a big deal out of nothing…What’s wrong with a hug?” I opened the door, and as I was walking away I heard her say, “no one’s gonna believe you.”

She was right. Who would’ve believed me? Who would I even go to with that. So I kept it to myself. I’ve never spoken about Ana. I’ve never written about this. I hadn’t even thought about this in a long time. I know it happened, its in my memory bank, but I don’t ever look at it. Not until today.