Tina was abusive yes, but she was also a victim of abuse.There is no justification for the abuse I was subjected to but I understand where it all came from. Abuse is one of those things that cycles through generations, it leaves such an imprint on you and your psyche that it forever changes the way you interact with others.

When I was in elementary school, I was the bully. I beat people up with little to no provocation.  Looking back at that now, I can see it was a symptom of my home life. She got it from Freddy, and I got it from her. I could’ve probably benefited from therapy back then, but the thought of that even being a possibility considering what was happening, is laughable. And although I don’t beat people up anymore, I still have plenty of a stored anger that seeps out on occasion.  What’s worse is that I don’t realize when I’m in a rage, but I see it the second after it’s over and feel instant remorse.

I have a love hate relationship with my mother. It’s funny because my feelings towards her are more conflicting than those I have for Tina. I’m still nice to her.  I still do whatever she asks for. She’s not the person she used to be, so I guess I’ve forgiven her. It’s just a subject we never touch. I can’t understand why I don’t feel utter disgust for her as an adult. I should, but I’m incapable.

My mother was absent.  Both physically and emotionally. Its probably the reason I hold more resentment towards her than Tina. Maybe it was her absence or maybe it was the fact that she knew what was going on and did nothing to save me. I’ve never considered that until right this second. It wasn’t exactly a secret, Tina herself would tell her that I was bad and that she couldn’t deal with me anymore.

I tried telling her once when there were visible markings on me. She felt bad for me, but didn’t want to confront Tina. So what’d she do instead? She ran. She didn’t want to deal with it. My face was completely fucked. Tina had pushed me on to the concrete and shoved my face on to the hot pavement. Tina told her I’d fallen while playing outside. And she believed her. Tina held my face on the concrete for what seemed like forever but it must’ve only been a few seconds. It was my punishment for cracking an egg on the concrete because my siblings and I wanted to see it cook.  That’s how hot it was. I physically healed but my relationship with my mother was forever damaged.