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The S word x3.
Suicidal thoughts happened at least once a day in high school but some days they consumed me. It was all I thought about. Who would I leave letters for, how would it happen, where would it happen? So, I started with the letters. I’d obsess over them so much so that I rewrote them several…
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The S word.
Suicidal thoughts have always been normal to me. I was never accepted in any dynamic except by my grandparents and when my grandfather died, my young mind didn’t understand how that was any different from the abandonment I felt when I learned my father would never accept me. Suicidal ideation became more frequent after my…
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What about your Friends?
Let’s talk friends shall we? When you’re young, having tons of friends is celebrated. But as you get older, you realize that less is more. It’s about the quality and the depth of connection that matters. I didn’t know how to make “friends.” The world is different when you are your family’s scapegoat. Guess this…
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Who Cares!?
Today the sky is Grey. The sun doesn’t shine, the blue doesn’t show. It’s the perfect depiction of how I feel inside. I’m not empty. I exist. But what exists isn’t bright and shiny. It isn’t happiness and fulfillment. It just is. It’s just matter taking up space. That’s the perfect analogy for my existence.…
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Just keep swimming
Feeling sorry for myself has been the wrong approach to life. How much of my misfortune is due to how I think and feel about myself? I know that there have been things that happened that were out of my control. After all, suffering abuse as a kid was not exactly a choice. But here’s…
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To die or not to die…
Imagine how much pain, shame, guilt and feelings of unworthiness one has to carry to actually think that suicide is the best option. I don’t want to die. But I also know that I can’t handle anymore pain. I carry so much already. People wonder why my emotions go from 0 to 60 in a…
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Mom.
Mom is the nicest person I’ve ever met. She’s kind, selfless, and will do anything for anyone. So I feel guilty saying that she wasn’t the best mom. I guess her perception of me was constantly changing. Maybe I reminded her of my dad, maybe my being alive was the one thing that ruined her…
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All I feel is paaaaaaiiin!
As I sit here in pain due to cutting corners financially, I can’t help but to contemplate my entire upbringing. Some people will never have to worry about what it feels like to live in a world where you cannot afford medical help especially as a child. I had no way of advocating for myself…
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Self-sabotage
How can you possibly trust anyone when the only thing people have shown you over and over again is that evil exists? I didn’t feel the need to have people in my life at all, and I was planning on keeping it that way but of course people come into your life and challenge those…
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Chronicles of a Sad Girl 