It’s a hard thing to realize that you are the problem…that you contribute to the loneliness. If everyone leaves, no matter what, how much of that falls on my shoulders.

Whether I choose bad people, or my attitude turns people away, I can’t just pretend other people hate me for no reason. I looked at my contacts list this morning and realized I have no one to count on. I looked at my social media, same thing. The fear and utter rejection I feel is excruciatingly painful. It’s enough for my head to come to the obvious conclusion: I don’t belong here. I am trying to fight that thought daily but I think I’ve given up. It’s true.

I realized that my husband is the only thing keeping me here and that’s a scary thought because anything can come to an end when you least expect it. I’m not hoping for our demise, but I’ve been around long enough to know that things don’t last. I can’t hang my entire being on our relationship, I know that, but I’m drowning right now and he’s the only floatie in the ocean.

All these thoughts keep spinning in my head. I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not special enough…In any aspect. Not good enough at anything to excel in a career, not smart enough to make it happen, not special enough for people to stay.

I’ve completely stopped everything. I sleep a lot, I am not eating (but somehow gaining weight), even showers are hard to get through. I’m not talking to anyone or going anywhere and when I do, the overwhelming fear of people comes over me. I’m falling apart and at this point I’m not sure how I’m supposed to keep a job. I have nothing to look forward to, not today, not tomorrow, not in the future.

My husband says suicide is selfish. And maybe he’s right. All I know is that right now, I’m living for him, my mother, and my dogs. How’s that for selfish.

For those of you reading this, I am not planning on ending my life today or any time soon. There’s still life in me. The flame is weak but I’m still here…