Suicidal thoughts have always been normal to me. I was never accepted in any dynamic except by my grandparents and when my grandfather died, my young mind didn’t understand how that was any different from the abandonment I felt when I learned my father would never accept me. Suicidal ideation became more frequent after my abuse started at home. I would write stories about death and dying at 8. And no one ever cared to question it.

When I was 9, I decided to follow through, not because I’d planned it, but because the opportunity presented itself.

It happened on a Sunday morning. Tina decided for whatever reason to be nice to me that day. She allowed me to tag along with my sisters and go swim at the community pool. I didn’t know how to swim yet, so me and my sister would stay down at the shallow end next to the steps as Tina watched. My older sister knew how to swim so she’d swim out farther. I got out of the water and followed along side her on the concrete. She stopped and floated to the top. “It isn’t deep in here,” she smiled. It looked like she was standing on her feet so, without hesitation, I jumped into the deep end.

I fell deep under water and freaked out initially. I flailed my arms and legs every which way, but my efforts got me nowhere. I could see bodies at the surface swimming around. And in that moment, I decided I’d stop fighting. When I looked up I could see the sun’s rays were breaking through the surface and shining all the way to the bottom where I stood. I remember just being at peace. I was ready. When I started running out of oxygen, water started to fill my lungs. I closed my eyes and tried not feel the panic that was setting in. Next thing I know, Someone grabbed me and pulled me to the surface. It was my sister “Why did you do that?” “I couldn’t find you.” She was actually worried about me. Maybe if I died, she would’ve gotten in trouble or felt guilty about lying to me. I have a hard time believing that those feelings were for me. I didn’t have answers for her. I can’t remember whether I was happy or disappointed that I was alive. But here I am…