Let’s talk friends shall we? When you’re young, having tons of friends is celebrated. But as you get older, you realize that less is more. It’s about the quality and the depth of connection that matters.

I didn’t know how to make “friends.” The world is different when you are your family’s scapegoat. Guess this is why I suffer from social anxiety. I believed (and probably still do) that I’m this horrible person, that no one in their right mind could ever truly love. So being in the presence of people all the time who will eventually hate me is uncomfortable. I know consciously everyone is different. But Sometimes it feels like the world is filled by people like my family and that is both scary and exhausting. I’m tired of trying to be liked by everyone just so that I don’t feel that pain again.

I’ve had some real good friends. Like Cindy, who taught me not to be scared of feelings by sharing hers with me. Or Nadine who loved to hug and loved life. Her energy was contagious. And Megan, who has stood by me even when I was extremely dismissive of her and her feelings. She’s shown me a level of loyalty I’ve never seen before. Lastly, Kelly. She is my mirror in a way. Everything I am that I was not aware of is now being reflected back. And that gets tough some times because it’s like fighting with myself. But the great thing about it is, that I am becoming more self aware.

I haven’t been a great friend to anyone. I can admit that. I’ve got a lot of work to do before I feel that I can be the type of friend people can count on. And right now I’m not that. That fact bothers me more than anything but I’ve gotta be honest. I’m not good to anyone until I’m good to myself.