Today the sky is Grey. The sun doesn’t shine, the blue doesn’t show. It’s the perfect depiction of how I feel inside. I’m not empty. I exist. But what exists isn’t bright and shiny. It isn’t happiness and fulfillment. It just is. It’s just matter taking up space. That’s the perfect analogy for my existence. I take up space, but for what purpose? Why am I here?

Everyday I’m closer to the end. I guess we all are in a way. But this is different. I’m not afraid of the inevitable. That’s a cause for concern. But who’s concern? Certainly not my own. I don’t care about me. And since I don’t, Why would anyone else?

When I die, what will people say? They’ll pretend to care. They’d say they were close to me. They’d go to my funeral. Probably even shed tears. But by then it’d be too late. I wont be here. So why the display of emotion? Those kind words and those tears people shed will all be for show. I’m alive now. Right now. Where is everyone?

My friend died from HIV 11 years ago. Admittedly, we had gone our separate ways and hadn’t been a part of each other’s lives for a few years when I became aware of her health status. It’s hard to look at someone when they are near death. Especially when they are dying slowly and are in excruciating pain. She was a fragile shell of herself. Skin and bones. I cried. How can someone filled with so much joy, love, and light, be subjected to this? “I’m so sick. I wonder what will make me feel better.” Those were her last words on her social media page. Within days of her passing, her page was flooded by “we miss you” and “we love you” comments yet no one responded to her last post. No one was checking for her status updates before then. Where were all these people at?

Another friend of mine almost got away with committing suicide. She was the funniest most happiest person I’d ever met. We were close, we spoke and hung out almost everyday. And I had no idea this is how she felt inside. I was angry with myself. How could I have missed that? She sent us suicide emails: “By the time you read this…” I didn’t even have to finish the first line to know she was in trouble. I stopped there and ran all the way to her house. Her mom beat me to it and had gotten on the phone to call an ambulance. The feeling from watching my friend lay seemingly lifeless on the floor, was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. After news got out, there was an outpouring of support from all these people who’d never been there before.

My point is, I’m alive now and no one cares, but when I die people will pretend to. When someone says they feel lonely but are surrounded by all kinds of people, you tend to not believe it. But there’s a real difference between being alone in the physical sense and feeling lonely.

No matter how much you scream, no one will hear you.