Lifes hard isn’t it. And it’s even harder when you feel like no one’s there for you. Although my husband is a great guy, his ability to empathize or even acknowledge and validate my feelings, is non existent. He’s more of a results guy. If I have a problem he wants to dive right in and fix it instead of letting me sit in it and I appreciate that. But Sometimes you have to feel your feelings to understand how to feel better.

I have friends, just none that I feel safe enough to talk about this with. Maybe safe isn’t the word. Maybe I just think they won’t care and that will hurt just as much. So today this blog will be me…thinking out loud.

I’m sad…I’m angry, and I’m frustrated with life. My mother is sick. I can see the decline starting to happen. She called last week and told me she wasn’t feeling well and so we ended up in the emergency room that night. It was bad. She was scared and I panicked. I went back to being that little girl. The one who was left to fend for herself all the time. I’m a grown adult. I don’t need my mother in the same way anymore but the possibility of losing her scared me. The rest of my life without her flashed before my eyes and now I’m so afraid.

My mother and I have a complicated history but I still love her. I’m sad and scared but at the same time I have moments where I shut off and feel nothing. Maybe my brain is trying to save me the heartache but all I can think about is how much of a piece of shit I am. I’m scared to lose her so I make the effort to check in on her everyday but when I do I get irritated and lose my patience with her. I want to yell at her sometimes and I don’t understand why I’m like that. I still can’t bring myself to hug her. I mean I can do it physically but it feels disingenuous on my part. Why do I feel nothing but as I sit here I can’t even fathom not having her here.

If she leaves, I’ll truly be alone. No one’s gonna love me as much as she does. It’s just me in her in this world. My family is her. I have no one. God that scares me so much. And still. I’m making this about me. How selfish can I be?