Feeling sorry for myself has been the wrong approach to life. How much of my misfortune is due to how I think and feel about myself? I know that there have been things that happened that were out of my control. After all, suffering abuse as a kid was not exactly a choice. But here’s what is: Finding my purpose.

I don’t want my story to be tragic. I want to be happy. But that’s easier said than done when you are used to a certain pattern. In all honesty, this blog has made me realize how much stronger I am than I ever gave myself credit for. It’s will. Straight up will. I’ve been pushing to survive this entire time and I never really saw things that way. I think my brain learned to only focus on the negative as a way to see bad things coming so that I would be prepared. When someone comes into my life, I immediately search for why they are bad or why it won’t work. It isn’t always a conscious thought though, it’s a script that runs in the background constantly. I’m aware of that pattern now and try my best to question it. And I’ve gotta say, my anxiety is manageable now because of that. I’m more greatful these days. Comfortable with the “normal” life I live. But Sometimes… I do miss the chaos.

Let me find the proper analogy to explain that last statement. Imagine living your whole life as a bull in a matador ring, then one day, you find out you’re really a fish. You don’t know how to swim, you don’t know how to breathe under water,  You’ve never been taught any of these skills that are important. All you know is how to run away from people and how to survive by fighting your way out of situations. So, naturally, you’d start to size everyone up even as a fish. Trying to figure out how you’ll need to fight danger, even if danger doesn’t exist anymore. But you don’t know that. If there’s no danger then what do you fight?

Its hard to look at reality. I deliberately look for people that have issues themselves or are unavailable emotionally because they give me that: A reason to fight.

My husband also came from a crazy home environment but he has learned to let go of patterns that no longer serve him. It wasn’t an overnight thing, it’s taken him years to get to here. We don’t fight. Not like we used to. No one’s punching the walls or threatening divorce. I don’t feel the need to run away anymore. We argue and will sit in the uncomfortability of it all until things get resolved. This way, we never accumulate hate and resentment and we don’t ever bring up the past again.

My long time best friend, Megan, is someone who values time together. She values openness and vulnerability. All the things I want…in theory. I want these things and I’ll fight for them, but when I do get them, it terrifies me. And that’s because I don’t know how to receive any of it, I don’t know why im afraid of feelings. I just am. It may not seem that way as you sit here and read this. But it’s not like I don’t understand the feelings themselves, I just don’t know what it feels like to share them and have them be received by someone who will not cause me pain.

I’m still a bull…I can’t swim. But I’m still hopeful that it’ll happen…One day.