Imagine how much pain, shame, guilt and feelings of unworthiness one has to carry to actually think that suicide is the best option. I don’t want to die. But I also know that I can’t handle anymore pain. I carry so much already. People wonder why my emotions go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds, and this is why. I have way too much stored pain that any more, even if it isn’t a huge deal, still makes me overreact.

I left home. Not just because of what my mother had said that day, but it was an accumulation of things. Mother was overbearing at times and at others, it seemed like I wasn’t worth any effort. It felt like nothing I did was ever good enough. At this time, I had a boyfriend, a part time job and I was in school. So I left. I ended up staying at my boyfriends until I learned he had cheated. I left and was, for the first time ever, truly homeless. Alicia, my aunt had a vacant studio in her home at the time and agreed to let me stay there. I was greatful to have a roof over my head but it was uncomfortable. Joe her husband was still a major alcoholic. I could see him at night. And although he never laid a finger on me, I refused to let my guard down because I’d been there before. Joe would steal money from me. I never said anything because I was living there rent free and figured I was in no position to complain. Eventually I got tired of that and ended up spending the night at some dudes place. Then that got complicated so I ended up just living in my car.

I don’t think I ever got a good night’s rest. I was terrified. Any little noise I heard outside woke me and it was so incredibly cold at night. I bought an inflatable bed and started to sleep at my job. My office had a walk in closet where I’d set everything up. I’d show up at 5am and slept until it was time to clock in for work. I’d go home when my mother was at work and showered. Looking back at this time is sad. It was one of the most stressful times in my life. I’d never felt more alone and unloved.

All my attention went into school. This is the year I made the Dean’s list. Somehow I’d aced all my classes during the worst time of my life. My best friend had moved for a military mission, we still talked but I never told her how bad it was. She was in love and had just told me she was pregnant. Who was I to ruin her moment. So I kept it all to myself.

I cried every day. “What did I do to deserve this life?”