When you grow up in an abusive home, it changes the way you view all relationships. For me, a relationship was not something I ever actively seeked. I didn’t want to do feelings, because I didn’t have any healthy ones, and I didn’t think that’d be fair to anyone. All of the relationships I’ve had, just fell on my lap, so I went with it.

Vince was my “first.” I put that in quotes because I wasn’t a Virgin due to the abuse, but he was the first one that was MY choice.To be honest, I didn’t care about him, there was no relationship, no feelings involved.. It was more of a decision I made so that I could get “it” over with. He was a nice enough guy so I figured it’d be okay.

Mark was my friends ex. Yes that was a bad idea and yes I feel guilty about it, but I didn’t at the time. Mark was super in tune with his feelings as musicians usually are. But it was too much, I did not know what to do with all that. Mark had abandonment issues, understandably so. He never knew his parents and lived in a group home. He didn’t know how to handle rejection so he’d go through extreme lengths to make things go his way which made him dangerous.

I’m not completely heartless, I Eventually did open myself up for something serious. I had 3 serious relationships and I married one so I think I did pretty well. Serious relationships opened me up to feel. And once I got that going it was over for me. Like Mark, I have some serious abandonment issues and the problem with that was that I was unable to cut all ties with other guys and that obviously was not allowed in a relationship. But it wasn’t because I had feelings for them, it was because I was afraid if being alone..figuratively speaking.

Darrell was probably my one regret. He was so different from anyone else I’d ever met. He was profound and wise beyond his years. We were those cheesy people who layed out on the beach at night to stare at the stars. Darrell loved hard but was not blinded by it and secure enough to check me if I did something wrong. He was the first person I fell in love with. I didn’t understand that feeling back then. I didn’t know it was love. Whatever I was feeling though, scared me enough to push him away. It wasn’t an official relationship, but we weren’t seeing anyone else and we were always together. He wanted a relationship but I told him I wasn’t ready for that. He understood. And didn’t push that anymore. But I ruined it. I met someone who I really liked and decided I’d make that official. I had to tell Darrell and he was absolutely livid. I don’t blame him for disappearing from my life. That was a shitty move on my part and like I said one that I regret. I think I’ll always love him. He absolutely changed my life. He taught me how to feel all of the good feelings and I can actually say I was happy.

Then there’s Angelo. He was smiliar to Darrell in many ways except he was very submissive and I hated that. Mom loved him though, he was always kind and considerate and made me the most important person in his life. Which was nice at first, but not so nice when you can’t go anywhere without being followed or questioned constantly. He’s a great friend. We are still close. He has this way of turning my depression right around. He’s actually one of those people who I can talk to for hours and never run out of things to say.I tried to look past his passive attitude but eventually it was too much for me and so I ended it. He deserves someone who’ll appreciate all of him in a way I could never. I unfortunately am too broken for someone as wholesome as that guy.

These are the guys that taught me how to feel, that forced me to grow and I’m so grateful for those experiences. I know some of this makes me sound like an asshole, but the point of this was to he honest and let go of some things. I don’t expect to get a pass for some of the things I’ve done, but I hope you can see this as the result of a shitty childhood. I’m not that person anymore. Ive been working on myself to not be dead inside. I can’t complain though, I’m in a happy marriage and my husband really ended up being the best choice for me. I need to be told when I mess up. I can’t have someone who has no opinions and let’s me get away with being an asshole. Accountability. It matters and it helps me grow.