Ana is not who you picture when you think about child abuse. She was young, had a career and a life with her boyfriend, and even less unassuming because she was a woman.

I came in to the nurses office because I had cramps. She had an electric blanket that warms up when you connect it. She said applying heat to my stomach would make me feel better. I laid on the bed and she put the blanket on my stomach. She left me there and went about her business.

The warmth of the blanket felt great. So good that I fell deep in sleep. I remember waking up to Ana’s face. It was confusing because I’d kinda slip in and out of real life. I thought I felt her hand in my pants but like I said, I was in and out. So, I questioned it. “Did the just happen?” “was it a dream?” “It can’t be” “maybe I woke up and saw her but imagined the touching.” “Is that plausible” “what does it mean?” “Is this Alan all over again?” “Can women be abusive too?” “Does the nurse have a thing for me?” “Do I?”

All of that was rapidly firing off in my head as I got my things and tried to fully wake up. She said I’d been down for a while so that’s why she went to wake me and that sounded real enough. That made more sense to me and so I quickly tried to forget those other thoughts. Ana had been good to me, I felt guilty doubting her so I still continued going to visit.

On one visit, she informed me it was her birthday, and she asked for a hug. I hugged her but it was uncomfortably long. I remember trying to pull out of that embrace but she held me tight. I started to panic and my heart started to race. I knew this feeling, the feeling of danger. I dissociated. I remember having an entire conversation with my self as this lady inappropriately touched me. “Am I really here?” “Is she really hurting me right now?” “I’m not exaggerating am I?” “Was it me?” “Did I ask for this?” When I came back in, I pulled away and we just stared at each other in silence. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to accuse her because somehow I’d convinced myself it was my fault. I grabbed my things and told her I’d be back later. When I looked at her, she had a smirk on her face. I’d seen that face before. IT WAS Alan all over again. So I never wanted to go back.