Before I get into this, I’d like to explain what happens when you’ve been abused over your entire life and feel like you have no one to confide in. I’m sure that every victim has their own way to cope, but this is mine.

Whether it was sexual or physical abuse, the easiest, least painful way to endure that, was to dissociate. I was there physically, but I was having a whole other experience in my head. It’s how I kept myself alive because no adult was there to save me. It’s easy for people to say that you can just get up and leave or that I must’ve consented which is why it didn’t stop. When someone experiences the same trauma over and over your body develops a trauma response to be able to cope. This becomes an automatic response to a situation. So, my mind dissociates on its own. It isn’t up to me. The best way I can describe what it feels like is driving a car to work everyday. You do it so often and the route is always the same. Eventually, you go on autopilot. You get from point A to point B and don’t remember the in between. Like, you obviously are there because you are driving, but you are in your head somewhere else. That’s what it feels like.

Pedophiles, I have learned, do not look any one way. When we think Pedophile we thing old, dirty man. But for me, all 3 of my abusers were extremely different. This one I’m about to talk about, is often overlooked. It’s easy for them to hide in plain sight when no one is expecting you to be a monster.