Mom tried her best. I know that now that I’m an adult,  but that still doesn’t align with my stored emotions. She’s trying now and I see the effort but maybe deep down I still resent her.

Everyone tells me I am my mom. And I agree. Doesn’t mean I like it though. My mom is the kindest most giving person I know, but she’s also a push over and people always use her.  She refuses to see it though, and always chooses to see the good in people. I know she gets upset with people but she never let’s that out. She’s the reason why I’m this naive and I hate it. Sometimes I’ll get so angry that I yell at her and tell her that I get screwed over all the time because she never taught me how to stand up for myself.

This is the primary reason why Tina got away with everything. My mom was just greatful to have someone watch me while she worked. And so she turned a blind eye to alot. She believed that I was a bad kid and so it made it easier to accept that Tina disciplined me the way that she did.

I don’t even know if I was ever good.  Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I did deserve all of it. My teachers would all tell my mom I had anger issues, I didn’t listen and I interrupted class all the time. But I also was the smartest kid in class, my reading level surpassed all the kids in my class by a few years. That didn’t mean anything in my house though.

I can only imagine how hard it was for my mom to have a kid by this man and have no support from anyone. Of course she’d accept Tina’s help. Why wouldn’t she? Of course she was stressed, and probably depressed. Of course she wanted to run away. I would too. And that’s why I’ll never have kids. I don’t want to be such a pushover, that I allow my kids to be broken in any kind of way.

Mom started making a little more money and once she’d saved enough, she decided she would move us out of Tina & Freddy’s house.  I was ecstatic.  I couldn’t wait to leave that place behind. I couldn’t wait to have my own room. My own food. I didn’t have to worry about getting hit because I ate too much or too little or whatever the hell Tina wanted to beat me for on any given day. I could finally sleep without having to hide somewhere. I wouldn’t have to see Alan or Henry ever again. Alan of course, helped mom pack the uhaul, but he stayed back a whole 3 hours away from me.

I thought moving would be a new beginning for me. A good one. And it was…for the most part. But like I said, abusers smell broken from a mile away.