I don’t like Harry Potter or lord of the rings or anything that is so detached from reality.  You’d think based on my need to dissociate from real life, this would be my go to.  But I don’t find any comfort in something that will never happen.  I will never have a wand that fixes anything, but what will help me is someone loving me enough to change my living situation.

Grandma had a rough couple of years after grandpa passed. Not only was she grieving, she also had a horrible accident in which she broke both her ankles. The damage was so great that the doctors told her she’d never walk again. So she was confined to a wheelchair and that really killed her spirit. I don’t know what her motivation was to get better but she did. She was determined to walk again and she achieved it. She was back.

By this time, Alan was a regular visitor in my home and always happened to show up when I was alone with Freddy. The first time he made his move, I was watching Barney in the living room and Freddy was out back, drunk as usual. Alan came in and sat next to me on the couch. He didn’t really say much. He just inched closer and closer to me as he pretended to watch TV. Alan would alternate this gaze from the TV to the back door where Freddy was and then to me. I could see him through my peripherals, just staring. Eventually he completely forgot about watching TV and turned his body towards me. He slowly moved his hand down my side and into my pants. My eyes widened and I looked at him. He smiled and continued to touch me as he stared at my face looking for a reaction. Staring into the eyes of a pedophile is horrifying. You can feel the evil radiating out. There’s nothing human about it. I can still see his face when I close my eyes. I hopped up and made my way towards the back door to find Freddy. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking. I sat next to Freddy who was obviously drunk but still conscious enough. Alan waited for a bit but then decided to leave after he understood I wasn’t leaving Freddy’s side.

I remember feeling a mix of emotions. I was scared but also confused and yes this is super twisted but I also questioned whether or not that was love. It felt bad, it felt wrong so I tried to avoid him as much as I could after that.

Grandma started visiting a whole lot more which lessend Alan’s chances at getting me alone. I was so grateful.  She didn’t know it yet, but each day she was there she was saving me from him. She saw something once. Nothing was happening but based on how hard grandma looked at him, I knew she knew.