There’s nothing special about the day I met my first abuser. I’d like to say it was dark and gloomy or some shit that only happens in movies, complete with suspenseful music playing in the background, but that didn’t happen. The day was uneventful. Nothing special about it.

Tina was mad at me and as punishment, I wasn’t allowed to go to a birthday party that everyone was going to. She wasn’t supposed to leave me alone.  My mom had made that clear, but Freddy was home so I guess she was banking on that technicality.

Freddy was not a perfect man. Far from it.  Like his brother, he also was an alcoholic. As a kid I didn’t understand that, but now that I’ve got some life experience under my belt, I realize he was fighting his demons just like the rest of us. He never laid a hand on me but he never stopped Tina from using hers. He was a drug dealer, a drunk, and an abuser but he was also generous, and kind towards me. It was confusing. There were times where he yelled at Tina and threw things at her.  Can’t tell you how many TV’s had to be replaced because of that. He demeaned her, and laughed at her when she tried to speak up for herself. She was broken and she attempted to fix that brokenness by breaking me.

Freddy drank alone out back.  He’d turn the music all the way up and stare off into nothingness. I was inside watching TV when he knocked on the door. I peaked out through my window and saw someone I recognized.  He was my neighbor. Let’s call him Alan just to keep everything anonymous. Alan was only 19 or 20. From his age to his appearance, Alan didn’t look like a pedophile.  But what do those look like anyway.

Alan’s mom was my mom’s friend so I’d seen him around. I felt comfortable enough letting him in. He said he was looking for Freddy and so I pointed in the direction were he was. I have the awareness now to understand the way he was looking at me wasn’t normal and I definitely felt it as a kid, just didn’t understand it. Alan worked his way in. It was a slow build. Guess its what you’d call grooming. He groomed me.  It took some time for it to unfold.