I remember having to sleep alone away from everyone else. My 2 siblings took the room next to the adults and the baby slept in their room. I was at the other end of the house.  Nights were scary for many reasons, neighborhood violence, nightmares…abuse..it all was amplified at night.

My room wasn’t big. It had just enough space for a mattress and a little wiggle room between the wall and the bed.  That’s where I would hide. I would take my covers, pull em over my head, hug my teddy and make myself as small as possible. I’d wait there until the danger had passed.  Sometimes I’d sleep there all night.

I had a nightmare one night.  I was terrified and hiding wasn’t helping.  So I walked to the adults room with Winston (my teddy) in hand and knocked on the door…

Freddy & Tina weren’t my parents.  My mother worked nights and shared my room.  We were never home at the same time so it worked out. Tina was a housewife, she took care of the children and Freddy made the money. He was some sort of drug dealer so he definitely made enough to keep Tina living comfortably. Looking back now though, we didn’t live like rich people. So I wonder what he did with all his money. Freddy loved his jewelry.  He had gold rings and chains that he’d wear daily. He really cared about his appearance. Freddy never had an off day. I loved watching him do his hair in the mornings. It was an art. Tina was always angry because he’d leave for days at a time.  We never knew when he’d be returning but he always came back with money for bills. I suspect he started using whatever he sold because he became very erratic.  He was kind and generous most times, but on his bad days he was scary to be around.  He never beat Tina, but I would definitely call it emotional abuse.

So this is what I was walking into the night I knocked on their door. Tina did not look happy to see me. But I didn’t care, I was a kid and I needed someone to hold me. I told her about my nightmare and she told me to go back to bed. But I refused.  She gave in after some time and agreed to let me sleep in their bed…well kinda. she pointed to the foot of the bed and said I could sleep there. I didn’t mind it. I was just happy not to be alone. I hopped in to bed and made myself a little space similar to how I slept in my room. I tried to grab a bit of the blanket to cover myself but Tina kicked me and said I wasn’t allowed under her covers.  So there I was, freezing in the fetal position at the foot of these people’s bed. It wasn’t comfortable and I remember crying but at least I wasn’t alone. Then, Freddy woke up and complained I was there, so Tina grabbed me by my hair and threw me out of the room. I was crying. Loud. I woke up the baby and my sisters who just stood at the their door watching it all happen. I got up and frantically knocked on their door.  I’d left Winston behind and he was my only comfort. I told her that I’d leave them alone.  I just wanted Winston. She opened the door, dragged me all the way to my room by my shirt. Threw me on my bed and proceeded to hit me.  She didn’t say anything.  Her eyes grew dark, but was avoiding eye contact. I studied her face. I wanted to understand. I dont remember fighting back. I just watched her as she took her rage out on me. She started hitting me with Winston and I knew Winston was a stuffed animal but he was my only friend and I felt bad for him. Why did she have to be so cruel. I hopped into my corner as she was beating me, grabbed my sheets and closed my eyes. “You wanted him, here he is. Don’t come back!” She said, and left my room.

For a long time I denied Tina’s abuse. I lied to myself hoping that the memories would fade away. I told myself it wasn’t that bad. I made excuses for her and downplayed and justified her behavior. I didn’t want to say she ever laid a hand on me. I didn’t want her to get in trouble. She was being abused as well and she didn’t know another way to release her frustration. In that moment, I realized I cared more about Tina & Winston than myself. And this would be the pattern I would follow through adulthood.