Nights were the worst. This is true even now as an adult. I’ve been prescribed Ativan to calm my night time anxiety and let my body relax but this is only an “as needed” medication.  The rest of the time I’m just hoping and praying I get to sleep without interruptions. Sometimes I remember why I wake up in tears and other times I have no recollection of what happened.  It’s a rare occurrence, but it happens enough to keep me from wanting to spend the night anywhere that’s not home.

I don’t have to stress about this when I’m on vacation with my husband.  He knows what it is, and he isn’t afraid of it. But I dread going anywhere with anyone else.  It’s embarrassing and I feel like I need to explain why this happens and I just can’t. So if I go somewhere, I don’t sleep, or I sleep in 1 hour intervals.

I let my guard down once…I was exhausted, I was drunk and I needed sleep. I had been hanging out at my friends place and decided driving wasn’t the best idea. I was a bit anxious about that but oh well. I couldn’t drive. What was worse was having to tell her I couldn’t sleep in her living room because open spaces scare me. Thankfully she didn’t ask too many questions and didn’t mind me sleeping in her room.  Bad idea. Of course my brain decided that night would be the night to experience a night terror. I don’t really remember what was happening but I remember waking up in tears. Full on tears. I was embarrassed and I was trying my best to stop it.  To her credit she was amazing at handling it and I was relieved. It didn’t scare her, or maybe it did but she never let me see it. I don’t think I can put into words just how greatful I was in that moment. Trauma makes you question everything around you. And because of that it’s so much easier to keep people at arms length. I can’t remember whether I decided to be intentional about letting her in or not…But I did.