We can’t really discuss the dichotomy of peopleing without discussing the other side of it. I used to think that I was a nurturer because I cared about others but now I’m not sure if it’s just a trauma response. Do I care? Or do I need to satisfy a need that I’m unaware of?

As I grew older, I noticed that I subconsciously chose people who were broken, so that I could pour all my love into them and “make them whole.” No one asked for this, but I assumed this was my sole purpose in life. I mean why else would I still be alive? I figured I could use my pain to understand someone else’s and know how to comfort them. Seems like the noble thing to do right? Sacrificing oneself for the good of others? I thought so. But a life of service is lonely. And loneliness brings out an entirely different demon to the forefront. I speak of this as a separate entity because I refuse to believe that is who I am.

On my good days, I care deeply about people not just my personal circle, but the world in general. I worry and cry over people I don’t even know. I care about plants and animals, even insects.  My husband says it’s my best quality and he loves me for it. But on my bad days, I’m a whole other person. I see no one’s feelings but my own. And all I feel is anger and resentment towards the entire world. I spend all my time making sure everyone’s okay, but when these things aren’t reciprocated I lash out. I’m becoming bitter. I’m tolerating less and I’m viewing people in the worst light.

Love and kindness were things that were rarely ever extended to me. And because I knew how this felt, I wanted to be the person I needed, for others. But in doing that I came to the realization that I ended up abandoning myself too, like everyone else had. I should be the person I need.  I bend over backwards for people who probably don’t deserve me. But it’s my self hatred that keeps me enduring mistreatment. I’ve always been mistreated, so I think I subconsciously search for that because I can’t feel anything else. Pain is my only comfort. It’s the only thing that reminds me I’m human…the only thing that makes me feel alive.