Peopleing (v.)
The act of going out in public with people. Especially useful when the one using it hates people in general.

Lets discuss the fine art of peopleing. As a person who suffers from social anxiety, you can probably conclude that I am not a fan. And I definitely am not, but I also care about people deeply. If this doesn’t make sense to you I get it, I’m just as confused.

Crowds are tough to handle because my brain automatically perceives a threat and signals my body to go into survival mode. Every sound gets muffled, and people no longer exist. Just the sound of my beating heart and my thoughts guiding me..my primary focus is to find safety before I fully dissociate. I only have a couple of minutes at best. I scan the room for space.  I just need space. My heart starts racing, hands start shaking and I become hyper aware of what my legs and arms are doing. I have to consciously tell my legs how to move, they’ve forgotten how. I put one foot infront of the other and head towards safety. My hands start to shake uncontrollably, so I look for ways to hide it before anyone notices it. I’m starting to forget how to breathe so I coach myself through it. If someone was trying to talk to me as this is happening, it isn’t even registering.  I’m sure the expression on my face is blank, my eyes won’t ever connect with yours. And as if all this wasn’t enough, I’m also beating myself up for being this irrational. Why do I have to be this broken…

Why? That’s a good question. And one that can’t be answered in just one post. I wanted to first describe the mechanics of it, then I’ll get into the trauma. In all honesty I think I’m just giving myself sometime to work up the courage to do so.