Is there a difference between love & hate?
For me, both are interchangeable. Hate is just masked love for someone like me who wasn’t taught there is a difference.

I wanted so badly to be loved that I did anything and everything to matter to my family. To be perfect. But perfection isn’t attainable. I just didn’t know that as a kid. In my house “Love” had to be earned.
I carried that concept in to my adult life. “Love is earned” is the way I’m wired.  It’s so deeply ingrained in me that Love without pain doesn’t make sense.  The people I fell in love with, the friends that I made, my feelings about my parents, all of it still hurts ..but maybe I need it to. I’m ashamed to admit that. But I don’t want it to be like this anymore.

I love you’s were always intertwined with physical & emotional pain. That’s why my super power was my ability to read people and feel their emotions. Knowing where someone was emotionally, helped me understand when it was okay to engage. This came at a price though. I became so good at feeling other people’s feelings that I pushed mine aside.  Those weren’t important to my survival.

Not only did I accept love in this way, but also learned to wholeheartedly hate those I love, So much that I forget I love them at all. I’m unable to see a person for who they are and base my perception of them on how the latest discovery about them, discussion, or argument we had, made me feel. I’m not proud of this. It hurts people I love, and it makes me hate myself even more.

I’ve always searched for love & acceptance, but how can I achieve that when I don’t even trust myself to make the right decisions. I’m broken at the core, and it causes me to dismiss people who make an attempt at helping me heal. I don’t know who I can trust, who really cares, or who is using me.

I haven’t always had this much self-awareness. It’s taken lots of therapy to get here. And although change scares the shit out of me, I’ve got nothing to lose anymore. Can’t be worse than where I’m at so I guess I’m all in…