Ahhh.  The weekend. Weekends are extra difficult to navigate when you suffer from social anxiety. I dread stores on weekends.  Too many people, too many sounds, scents….it all bothers me. I don’t choose to live this way.  I wish I didn’t care about any of that. Just want to be normal.

Social anxiety is a weird one. It’s defined as an irrational fear of people, self-consciousness, fear of being judged and extreme embarrassment.
For me it looks like: Heart racing, uncontrollable shaking and I’m unable to focus. I shut down and my mind goes blank. When your brain perceives danger your body responds in ways you have no control over. It’s a survival thing. And I’ve become the best at surviving.

I grew up in a home where I was berated, belittled, and excluded from family fun. I was a literal punching bag for everyone at home. The funny thing is that I never knew life could be any different. Not for me anyway. I learned to dissociate well. I thought of nothing, I felt nothing, and I had nothing to look forward to. As time went on, I’d learned that I was worthless. I believed it.  So worthless, that I couldn’t even face myself in the mirror. I still struggle with that.

So no I can’t just “get over it.” It isn’t up to me.  My body just stayed in survival mode because I needed to be alert for danger at all times. All the people I loved couldn’t be trusted. This is where my social anxiety was born. There’s still so much more that contributed to this and many more issues I struggle with as an adult. I’m finally at a place where I’m ready to tell my story..Stay tuned…