My first waking thought is, “great. this again.”  Sometimes I wake up and feel like crying just because I can’t handle the weight of it all. Sometimes I do, and most times I stare up at the ceiling and replay every single humiliating, embarrassing and painful event in my life. Either this or drown myself in the mind numbing world of social media. In truth, I could care less about most of the people on there.  I don’t care about their kids, vacations, or their politics. But it’s the act of scrolling for me.  The random images that pop up on my screen drown out the images my mind has on repeat. And after wasting two hours of my day trying to numb my existence, I finally muster up enough courage to get up.

Most days are usually the same. I get up only to sit on the couch and waste away some more.  Somehow it seems less depressing this way. I try to have background noise at all times, so that I dont have to listen to my minds negativity. If you’re asking how it is I can afford to live this fabulous lifestyle, I hear ya. I must tell you, I do have a job. I don’t work many hours but I make good money doing what I do. I’m also married.  You surprised? Yea me too. Not sure how that happened but he’s probably the only reason why I’m still alive.

From the outside looking in, you’d think there’s nothing to be depressed about. It’s surreal.  It’s like I’m watching someone else live my life. I feel nothing. And when I do feel, it’s rage. It’s fear. It’s loneliness. Today was different.  Today I decided I’d write this.  And to be honest, it’s the first time in a long time I’ve looked forward to something.